The first definition that dictionary.com gives for the word instinct is: an inborn pattern of activity or tendency to action common to a given biological species. However, is that so accurate? It's second definition mentions impulse, which sounds more like it. We all have various instincts, varying from our hair standing up on the back of our neck, to being able to understand a person without them saying anything. It's not necessarily knowledge of something, but a driving force or tickle inside our soul that says something unique to each of us. There are different kinds of instincts. Survival, Maternal, Internal, Life, or even Death. Some psychologist will argue that instincts are not even real, which seems completely silly to me. I am very aware of all the instincts that I have, and they rule my life.
I understand now that most of my instincts are faulted, from various patterns of social learning that I was exposed to throughout my life; as we all are. Recognizing that my instinct to help the "underdog" is actually my way of helping myself, or being that person for someone else that was not there for me. In actuality this instinct of mine is not helping myself or anyone else. The proof lies in the pudding of all the failed friendships with those underdogs I tried to help up. I completely have to re-learn how to help these underdogs without harming myself or possibly them in the process. Learning that helping them was me trying to help myself through them, and seeing their failures and putting them onto myself, is vital to my new self. Understanding that it is my inner child/self that needs the hug, the reassurance, the security of always being there has been such a moving experience. This brings me to a song that made me break down after a session about my inner child, and that song is Steve Holy's "Love Don't Run." The meaning of the song to me is completely different to me than it is supposed to be perceived, but it was so powerful.
Another key instinct that I have is a survival instinct. I'm not talking the naturally born fight or flight in a crisis situation, but rather the surviving the hard times in life. To cope with things my survival/defense mechanism is to shut down, stay level headed, or completely fold and conform. Now this does not sound like a bad instinct to have, and perhaps I am naming it completely wrong, but it's brought me to think of a situation I had with a friend that repeats itself throughout many relationships I have had in the past. It is the situation when a friend comes to you crying and sobbing about her feelings and how she is upset with either you or someone else. This situation I would greet with a hard exterior, level head and be logical. Seemed right to me, to not be two blubbering messes with no directions and just breaking down. Wrong; or so I was told. It is a true showing of strength should I be able to break down with that person and share my feelings in action and words. It baffled me. My logic was completely wrong? Okay so it is not in every situation, but one situation I had was a friend tell me she wanted someone to cry with, and I told her it couldn't be me. It hurt her, and I felt completely helpless and apologetic when I couldn't share that with her. it is not a matter of not feeling those things, but being vulnerable with someone is very hard for me. I can talk about my feelings for days on end, and barely bat an eye. To show them is a completely different story. This applies also to facing crisis unemotionally, choking any emotion down that would be "wrong" for the situation, where I am defenseless, and disassociating from the situation.
With all that said, I am enjoying this journey of self-discovery that I am on right now. I do not completely understand it, but I do understand that the following quote rings true to me more than I ever thought possible.
“Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known.” ― Chuck Palahniuk
It is so true, as everything you are in your biological, environmental, spiritual, mental, and physical properties are because of the road you that was layed before you when you were a child. you can change what you want to deny that it is a part of you, losing weight and denying the obesity in your family, finding a rebel religion to your family, or whathave you; but you are who you were made into. This does not mean that you cannot discover truly, and deeply who you were made to be, and change it to something better. It just takes a lot of work and personal truth, and really getting down and dirty with yourself. I can't deny that I am scared of changing what has been so comfortable to me, but have acknowledged that I made it comfortable because of not feeling worthy of change, and honestly was in denial for a lot of years. That was only because I was running away from it. That doesn't solve a thing, and right now I am just in a standstill waiting for the things to catch up to me, so I can counteract them with the knowledge that I have gained about myself.
I do have a long way to go, but I am determined to become who I deserve to be.
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